Cold winter. Cold heart.

Holidays have started about a week ago now, and I've been doing the usual. Spending time with my loved ones, chilling with friends, work, doing some extra studies (a side course I picked up - a cert IV in business admin) and etc. Didn't like the busy holidays I have, but I suppose its more fruitful than doing nothing. Going to SA for family trip soon, so that's something to look forward to ^^

It's probably the 100th time already today, that these thoughts are going through my head. The hurt that goes unseen, I wonder if you see it? Probably not.

Absolutes

Something struck me as I was evaluating my beliefs. Specifically - my beliefs in absolutes and the grey area.

I believe that some things are absolute; things that are clearly defined right or wrong. Things that are black and white. Things like the law, knowledge and facts and etc are one of these absolute things.
However, I believe that there is a grey area between the absolute right and wrong. With this area, there are many chances that things may go wrong with errors occurring. This is because everything that lies between, is subjective and debatable. Things like values, beliefs and etc lie in the gray area.

There are pros and cons to each i.e. being absolute and being in the grey area.

For the absolute...

• If we think about it, if everything in the grey area was made absolute, there would be peace in the world. Because everyone would be united in a set of values, and there will be no qualms to whatever issue because things are clearly cut out by the "higher" authority - the absolutes. E.g. countries wouldn't be strangling each others' necks, arguments would only last for less than a minute, bias and prejudice from personal opinions wouldn't exist, and people won't be harmed by subjectiveness.
• However, this being said, this leaves no room for individuality - the human factor. The personal opinions and feelings of the individual is disregarded and he must abide in the absolute system, choosing either to be right, or wrong. In a sense, they're "forced" to do right because most people want to do the right thing. Either do that, or be regarded as a wrong-doer, whose emotions and beliefs are left unheard.

For the grey area...

• It prevents us from living under a plain and uniform society. Sure, it's awesome if society is united, but it doesn't feel "right" if we all had to conform one thing. Individuality roams free in this area. We can speak our opinions, voice our emotions, fight for what we belief is "right".
• Unfortunately, this leaves room for error. Everyone will have their differences and conflict will definitely ensue. It is then hard to resolve things because there is no higher authority to settle things cleanly and clearly. Since nothing is set in black or white, everyone will fight for what they believe is right. Everyone is out there for himself, and it's likely that their mindset is self-centred. The error in this area is existence of selfishness in humans - "How I think and what I think is right. I can do what I want and however I want to. It's about me and about how I want to be heard."

So is right to be absolute?
Doesn't it give us the assurance having no error in society? Won't it benefit us since it eliminates the imperfection in the human factor in the world? Wouldn't it prevent prejudice that is presented by the perspectives of emotional humans? Wouldn't the world be a fair place?

Or is it too strict and emotionally detached, leaving no room for individuality? What about emotions? Aren't we made to feel and express emotions freely instead of restricting it? Is it wrong to think about ourselves?

I believe that being absolute would be the way to go for unity and peace all around, but having said that it really depends why, who and how the absolutes are defined. Because everyone is different, there will be a group of people who will not fit into either the category of right and wrong. The personal input is ignored and they're forced to put aside their feelings and individuality. If God defined the absolutes in every single detail in the world today, there would be no qualms at all, because He is the higher authority and perfect in judgement. But since it's humans we're dealing with, our definition of things in the world can be flawed.

So where do we draw the line? How do we draw the line? Would it be better to adopt an absolute belief in somethings whilst allowing a certain margin for individuality? If so, how much? What will the margin of error be? Ultimately, because we are human and what we do cannot appease everyone, we're stuck with this eternal problem, a conflict between the two beliefs. We can only do our best to minimise the damage by finding the "balance" between the two.

Teardrops in the sky

It was a memorable day, like any other. The clock ticked by. The sun shifted. And I realise this - many days have passed and though I saw it coming from long ago, it was all too late before I could realise it. The feeling hit me deep and I wasn't prepared for it.

My heart aches when the thought of you departing from this place comes to mind. I'll miss you. I'll cherish and always remember those times we've had together during those years :) thank you for all the times,  thank you for being such a positive impact in my life, thank you for being an awesome brother in christ and thank you for being such a great bro to me :) do take care, and I wish you the best from the bottom of my heart. God bless you and keep you now and always.

"Please remember me forever, okay?"

New Year

"So this is the new year, and I don't feel any different."

The fact that it's already 2012 reminds me how much time has already elapsed, and there's no going back.
A new year. The end of the road remains unclear. My heart is dry, my mind weary, my soul wounded. Time to get myself together for the long road ahead.

2012. A year of change. A year to make loose ends meet. A year of restoration.

Reflection. Repair. Restoration.

It seems that in the past few weeks my thought processes and emotional well-being has been severely affected and I can never get my thoughts straightened out. I can't really express my thoughts clearly in an organised fashion. Thus, I'll be taking a break until I can find a way to resolve the disarray in myself.

"Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends" John 15:13

To truly love is to love sacrificially - to love expecting nothing in return.

This is what I aspire to do.

Restart.

It's almost three years now. This vivid landscape that I've come to adapt to. Despite the temperamental weather which is either depressing or uplifting, despite the differences in culture which has its good and bad, I have come to love this place.

Three years ago, during that dark night on that taxiing plane, I came to realise how much everyone meant to me back at my first home as I floated away into the horizon. Looking out that cold glass window into the dark and gloomy sky only reflected my heart's uncertainty and hopelessness in the future.

Much to my pleasant surprise, things went well - a rough start getting used to the new environment perhaps, but over the years many close bonds were formed and many fond memories were made over this time. The moments we shared were fun and boring, happy and sad, smart and stupid, epic and ... anticlimactic, dnm and trivial and so much more. All these years spent with all of you were fantastic and I enjoyed every bit of it.

Walking out those doors for the last time today as a high school student suddenly struck me so hard, because the thought of "this is it" comes to mind. Like some out there, I have come to accept the end of my adolescent days and I readied myself for the new beginning in the distant future. But I couldn't ready myself for the feelings of sadness and nostalgia that would overwhelm me on the very day that school ended forever.

Like three years ago, another parting happened today. Like three years ago, I cannot fully fathom my emotions. All I know is that I'm happy that school is over, yet sad that school is over. Happy that I've accomplished an achievement in life, sad that there I'll no longer have those moments with my friends anymore. Happy that I'm no longer subject to the restrictions of a student, sad that I'm no longer able to enjoy the carefree life of a student.

Though I'm already reminiscing the long and incredible journey we all had together, I've learnt to look upon life in a brighter light, knowing that God has a great plan for all of us. Today is an end to a certain chapter in my life, but I'm thankful for Him for blessing me with such precious memories to keep forever.

Thank you, MWSC Class of 2011 for such amazing memories, ones that I'll always look back to with a smile :)

Let the pain seep through the crevasses of my heart

As I continue to tread forward, I find myself repeatedly tangled in a string of pain.

I can only pray upon the Lord, that he may grant me His understanding, peace and strength for me to endure through this.

"The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul." - Psalms 23:1-3

I'm sorry (for the umpteenth time)

To my friends and family,

Perhaps some of you may have realised that we've become more distant than before. I have never meant to but things have changed in the past few months. Many things have happened during that time and my priorities have now shifted away from socialising. I don't think it's right of me to have done that, so I wish to say that I am sorry for all the neglect that I have put you all through.

I know things cannot remain this way and that things have to change. Compelled by this conviction, I'm starting to change. No matter how hard it may be or how long it will take, I will find the balance.

Transatlanticism

I need you so much closer

Bittersweet

Only 3 months and a bit left. We can do this.

Wake up

My well has been dry for a long time now.
Yet I sought out shallow things to replace this emptiness.
It's been a long time since I've regained my senses.
I remember now - all I need is You.

Just came back from my youth camp and I feel refreshed. My eyes are open. My ears are more perceptive to more things now. Just realised a spiritual awaking was what I needed the most. And I got it :) Though I am in a state of confusion, I take comfort in the fact that all this is just a small phase in life - a peanut :) It is minute in comparison to many other greater things that will happen in life. For now, it is only the beginning.